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March 19 TEXAS PREACHER
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.
One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.
He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.
When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied.
"I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you
." So she said come right on in
. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street.
She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
And the preacher said...................................................... "Hello, Darlin!!"
January 10 
HUSBAND AND WIVES JOKES
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband,
"Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!
" The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?
" She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish, too
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!
" Two women friends meet on the street,
but they haven't seen each other for years.
As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring,
and says "My what a magnificent ring.
" Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse
. It comes with my husband!
" Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
December 21 
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season !
December 01
A Canadian Christmas
A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary
two days before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?"
the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,
" the father says.
"We're sick of each other,
and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Vancouver
and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister,
who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!"
she shouts,
"I'll take care of this.
" She calls Newfoundland immediately
and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing
until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back,
and we'll both be there by tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing
. DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone
and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Christmas
and paying their own way.
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November 29
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(Sung to the tune "Deck The Halls")
Deck the malls this Christmas season,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Blow your cash for no good reason,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Push your charge card to it's limit
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Your check book now has nothing in it.
fa la la la la, la la la la.
--- (Sung to the tune "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the snow
in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go,
sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings.
I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together
by a piece of chicken wire!
Oh, rust and smoke,
the heater's broke,
the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash
and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent,
the muffler went,
the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive
this rusty Chevrolet!
I went to IGA
to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire
and it's gettin' hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway,
right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers
just to get the car to stop.
Oh, rust and smoke,
the heater's broke,
the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash
and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent,
the muffler went,
the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive
this rusty Chevrolet!
Bouncing through the snowdrifts
in a big,
blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by;
I wonder what's the joke!
I have to get to Wal-Mart
to pick up my layaway,
Cause Santa's comin' soon
in his big, old, rusty sleigh!
Oh, rust and smoke,
the heater's broke,
the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash
and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent,
the muffler went,
the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive
this
rusttttttttty
Chevroooooooleeeeeet!
Author Unknown
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October 16 A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?
" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear.
What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302.
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news.
Her record says that Holly is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.
" The Grandmother said, "Thank you.
That's wonderful!
I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.
" The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome.
Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302.
No one tells me squat."
October 06 THE BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING
NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA WAS WIDE OPEN.
HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS,
THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE,
DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"
THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD,
SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.
WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED
THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING
WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM EARLIER, HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD.
HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.
HAVING MORE EGO THAN SENSE, HE WALKED TO HER DESK,
SMIRKED AND ASKED HER, "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN
DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"
THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID,
"NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES".
October 05
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Do you ever have days like that ?
The Pharmacist Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
" "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
" He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke.
" "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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A Newfoundlander went to see a psychiatrist.
When he got there, he said, "I've got problems
. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it,"
said the Newfoundlander.
Six months later, the doctor met the Newf on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having"? asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10
. I was so happy to have saved all that money,
I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"
Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"?
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
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September 20
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Seven Stages Of The Married Cold
Stage 1
: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl.
That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around.
I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest.
I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's.
I've got it all arranged with the floor supervisor
Stage 2:
Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here.
Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.
Stage 3:
Maybe you'd better lie down, honey.
Nothing like a little rest when you're feeling lousy
I'll bring you something.
Have we got any canned soup?
Stage 4:
Now look, dear, be sensible.
After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.
Stage 5:
Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?
Stage 6:
Try gargling or something instead of just sitting around barking like a seal all evening!
Stage 7:
Would you stop coughing on me?!?
Are you trying to give me pneumonia?!?
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September 12 One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money
and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation
and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him.
September 06
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NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the backseat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
" HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet
. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment.
Then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
" OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother
. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.
" KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.
" MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me & asked.
"Is that a dog you got back there
?" "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?
" ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!
" DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.
" "And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
" DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought
his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn
..... and into the hole he gooooes
." SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!
" BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?
" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"
~~~~ Author Unknown ~~~~ |
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If you give a mom a muffin,
She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.
She'll pour herself some.
Her three-year-old will spill the coffee.
She'll wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she'll find dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer, She'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan for supper.
She will get out a pound of hamburger.
She'll look for her cookbook ("101 Things To Do With a Pound of Hamburger").
The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The check book is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old.
She'll smell something funny.
She'll change the two-year-old's diaper.
While she is changing the diaper, the phone will ring. \
Her five-year-old will answer and hang up.
She'll remember she wants to phone a friend for coffee.
Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.
And chances are... If she has a cup of coffee,
Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it
~~~~ Author Unknown ~~~~
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain...
" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.
" "But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!
" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom.
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August 19 A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. "Hello" said the little boy.
"Hi" replied the little girl. "Where are you going"? asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl. "Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church". "Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the little girl. "My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across". "That's a good idea", replied the little boy.
"I'm going to do the same thing with my suit". So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked.
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist".
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